You can’t pee on your problems to solve them.

But there are other things you can do.

I once had a (virgin) mojito, and it lead to the most excruciating pain of my life. I still have nightmares about lime, soda water and sugar.

I was 12 and in Cuba for a family vacation. The great thing about Cuban-all-inclusive-resorts is the ability to exploit the free drinks. I had lots (don’t take this the wrong way, I was 12).

As you may infer, I eventually had to pee. We were on the beach, and the hotel room was too far. There were no public washrooms nearby. But there was the ocean. I stared into my mojito’s soul and chugged it down my throat. Then, I ran towards the water.

It was cold, but I sprinted in. I got to a sufficient depth of water and started my deed.

I have a complicated relationship with urination (specifically in the Caribbean). A few years prior, in Mexico, I decided it would be amusing to pee on the pool deck. It felt less clever when my mom got a $1000 fine.

But this time was worse. I emptied my bladder, then I started to swim away. That’s when the pain struck me. My muscles tensed up, and I couldn’t feel my right leg. I was breathing as if I was intensely blowing out birthday candles. I thought a shark was eating me.

I was screaming in pain. I had one functioning(ish) leg, but I managed to drag myself out.